Loud and Queer

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Many of you regular readers know that while I might be a super-fabulous, on-the-go-go-go gay; I’m also a bit of a geek. I like video games, sci-fi, comic books, horror movies - all that good stuff.  And as much as I like geeky stuff, I love boys who love geeky stuff even more! Geek chic!

As more of us gays come out of the closet everyday, more gay geeks join the ranks of the queer cartel!  And don’t buy the old stereotypes, these geeks are yummy-yummy hunks.  To prove it, I’ve picked the 2011 Fanboy of the Universe Calendar as today’s Gay Gift Bag!

For the low-low-low price of only $14.95 you get an entire year’s worth of Fanboys! (Go here to buy, and get it shipped to you before the holidays!) These tasty little nerds will arrive at ready to brighten up your house, apartment, dorm room or military base! The official 2011 Fanboy of the Month Calendar is now available for pre-order, and features Sam, Moses, Rafael, Trevor, Ben and many more!

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I am not ALWAYS a huge fan of boys wearing Speedos, or any kind of banana-hammock. Too often, they just don’t have the body for it. I think if you are going to wear a skimpy bathing suit - you should have to have a fully body-fat, body-hair, and penis analysis before you are allowed to strut it on the beach. I’m just saying.

Now, I fully support ANY swimming professional in a skimpy. THONGS for all of them! Swimmers have the hottest little hairless bodies, with rippling muscles and that faint scent of chlorine.  Ahhhhhh…..When it comes to sports, if I can’t have a soccer player, I’ll be a whore for  pool boy.  Lordy…

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I watched The Road tonight and really didn’t like it. It was dark, depressing and dismal. I love a good post-apocalyptic father/son road trip as much as the next guy, but this movie was NOT the holiday fair I was looking for…

To get the serious shadows out of my brain from watching this movie I channel surfed and wound up on the reality show Saved By The Baby of the terminally cute Mario Lopez. Lopez will always be A.C. Slater to me.  I used to wank off watching him and Zac Morris on Saved By The Bell.  I would imagine I was Jesse Spano and they were double-teaming me.

Anywho, the topic of the show was the circumcision (or not) of his baby should it be a boy when it’s born. Mario was against the chop-chop because he was uncircumcised and thought it everything was well enough left alone.

I was a little jolted by his admission. I really have never heard anyone on television discuss whether they were cut or uncut. Never!  Now I have this image of Mario’s pee-pee with a hood. Yow! Either way I’d still have him.

I have never really cared about whether a guy was hooded or hoodless as long as it worked.

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“The Manhattan Declaration” was a 2009 anti-gay manifesto writen by Catholic, Christian and Protestant leaders. I had my interns read it, and they gave me this juicy cliffnote: “Because the sanctity of human life, the dignity of marriage as a union of husband and wife and the freedom of conscience and religion are foundational principles of justice and the common good, we are compelled by our Christian faith to speak and act in their defense.”

Fastforward to October, when the geeks at Apple approved an app called The Manhattan Declaration in which users were asked survey questions about same-sex marriage, abortion and gay relationships. The app was, of course, put out by those who issued the manifesto, so if your answers did not mesh with their small minds, you scored very low on the survey.

Change.org set up a petition to ask Apple to remove the app. Guess what?  It worked! Try searching for the app on iTunes today and no dice!

The Huffington Post reports that “the creators of the Manhattan Declaration responded to the ‘radical liberals’ with its own blog post, saying, ‘These radicals often pollute the debate with ranting. They rant about ‘equal rights,’ without explaining how homosexuality deserves it, ‘women’s rights,’ without explaining how women have a right to kill their child, and even ‘hateful Christians,’ without showing instances where we hate.’”

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Did you eat a lot yesterday?

I sure as heck did.

I am actually writing this from a hospital bed where I am preparing to be lip-o-suctioned back to beach-bod form.  If you are feeling hideously fat, or if hanging out with your parents has made you feel like a zitty little teenager again.  It could be worse my friend, oh it could be worse!

People magazine may have unveiled its picks for sexiest man of the year, but BuzzFeed has covered the opposite end of the spectrum a list of the top 50 unsexiest men of the year. Now, honestly – I have to admit, I’d tag some of the people on the list (like jacked-up meth face Aaron Carter, right). But what do you think? Check it out for yourself, and find you self-esteem slowly returning! Nothing like laughing at the misery of others to make yourself feel good. [via BuzzFeed]

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Happy Thanksgiving! Inbetween sucking down plates of stuffing and mashed potatoes, maybe you and the family will need some wuality time away from the table! I tend to take my parents to the movies when I am home. Mostly cause I don’t have to talk to them for 2 hours then…This weekend, I’m pushing the hot-new Xtina Xtravaganza: BURLESQUE

Cher, XTina and gay filmmaker Steve Antin have cooked up a succulent bird for you this Thanksgiving season. Nearly every tacky cougar, ridiculous suburban pocket gay, and junior high sweetheart wants to see the new musical BURLESQUE. If one more person posts the trailer on to their Youtube page, I might lose my shit.  Enough! We get it!

The basic plot of Burlesque is fairly trite: Girly small town dreamer arrives in big city to make it big. Guess what? She does! The End. Roll credits! Please pick up your trash on the way out.  Buy the soundtrack! There’s nary a surprise to be had, except for Aguilera’s apparent misconception that she has acting talent.  But let’s backtrack. Christina Aguilera, referred to as “Ali” since she’s acting or “Iowa” since she’s just off the bus, arrives at the club “Burlesque” run by Cher. Right? Who’d have thunk? (Everyone in the movie keeps calling Cher “Tess” but even Cher knows she’s just playing Cher. Way to earn a paycheck sister!)

Cher/Tess finds Christina/Ali super-annoying but reluctantly hires her – it’s very what-the-hell club-owner-with-a-heart-of-gold. There’s a lot of silliness about Cher, as the old-time star who still takes an occasional turn onstage, and her dilemma about missed payments on the club’s mortgage. Will she lose the club? Can the new girl save the day? Does a bear poop in the woods?  Back to the roll call, the other castmembers all fit into nice little paradigms: Incredibly scrumptious bartender Jack (Cam Gigandet) thinks Xtina/Ali is ali-dorable  and invites her to sleep on his couch. Queen bee Nikki (Kristen Bell) finds Ali threatening and things turn sour between them immediately.  Rivals! Cher’s right hand man Sean (Stanley Tucci) finds Ali interesting and opts to pretend that Christina Aguilera is Anne Hathaway, recreating his entire Devil Wears Prada performance.  Alan Cumming then recreates his Cabaret emcee performance, which is no Joel Grey but who the fuck remembers…  Start the singing!

“You gotta make me believe that you belong on that stage,” Cher’s character implores her protege. “That it’s yours! And that nobody can take it from you. Now you wanna show me something? Show me that!”

So we’ve got an all-star cast, what about the plot? The movie is riddled with problems, but who the hell was expecting an intricate storyline?  At times Burlesque plays almost exactly like a well choreographed long form music video. Don’t expect Dreamgirls, but do expect to be entertained.  It helps to have actors as fun  as Cher and Tucci and Bell in any movie’s corner. And Cam Gigandet, whose ahhh-mazing body has always dwarfed his acting talent, is endearing and improbably cute. I was riveted. Honestly, they could have all be reciting their tax returns with pouty expressions and dreamy wistufl looks – who cares.  Sing! Dance! Sing and dance!

And how are the songs? Fabulous…Especially if you like songs that are all about what it means to be “burlesque.” At least three of them, if not more  They welcome you to burlesque, they explain how cool it is to be at the burlesque, they remind you that burlesque is where all your dreams come true, they warn you that there is no smoking inside burlesque, they offer you 10 cent chicken wings on Wednesday at Burlesque. You’ll be shuffling your feet for weeks.

Is this the movie for you? Are you gay? Teenager? Have 10 bucks you don’t care about and some hours to kill?  “Burlesque” shows Cher and Christina Aguilera being all that they can be, and that’s more than enough! More then you deserve! With the High School Musical generation aging into a Glee generation, Burlesque will be a hit. Surprisingly entertaining, Burlesque should find packed theatres on opening weekend and high CD sales.

Are you going home for Thanksgiving?  Trucking down the turnpike to see the family? Traveling home to see kin and cousins can be a lovely time.

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However, once you’re in a relationship, family holidays can be totally different. Now, you’re faced with the decision whether to travel home alone or take your piece trick meat bottom partner or boyfriend. And when you do meet that special someone, or are simply the pig-bottom slave in domination-style relationship, you know you gotta take that boy home to Mom.

So let Uncle Dick help you with this sticky situation.  I’ve taken so many boys home to my ‘rents, they don’t even bat an eye anymore. Last year for Thanksgiving, I brought home two boyfriends, a drag queen, and a go-go dancer I had met the night before!

Follow these tips, and you and your significant-other will have a dandy time on Turkey Day.

Be sure your partner is ready to meet your family.

Are they dressed right?  Nothing too gay.  Also, nothing too straight. You don’t want your slut sister or cougar aunt trying to ride their crotch during the football game.  Also, queens need to know the background drama.  Give him the scoop on all the closet-cases, drug addicts, alcoholics, delusionals, wackjobs, and thieves in your family.  If you have a smart boyfriend – explain to them any important trigger words to activate your parents emotions.  Review and research.

Give your family advanced warning.

I usually call from the airport.  Give them enough time to clean-up the carport, and put on some decent looking clothing.  But, shock and surprise are the best way to keep them on the edge. No more then 1 hour warning.  If this upsets them, begin to scream and cry utterly uncontrollably about how they don’t accept you.  If you have a younger brother, fill him in a bit earlier to make sure he has enough weed for all three of you.  He’ll gladly keep the secret, just to see your parents loose it.

Use your boyfriend to make a statement or prove a point.

Remind Daddy that if he had loved you more, you wouldn’t be deep-throating some bearded busboy from Brooklyn.  Did the fact that your parents refused to buy you a car drive you into the arms of a man?  Explain, elaborate, insinuate, infer, imply.   If you’re not out to your family and plan on coming out during your trip home, all the BETTER! Nothing says “I am gay and you WILL accept this…” Like some hot tongue action over dinner.   Your sexuality IS a huge adjustment for your family – one you should force-feed them in the most painful and selfish way possible. Also, insist on sharing a room.

If your out, and your parents aren’t totally in love with the Gays…Then really sell it. Lisp, flame-out, some light drag, and rainbow rainbow sparkle rainbow sparkle.

Threatening the family that you will bring him home regardless of their feeling is always the best method.  Who wants a Thanksgiving without a screaming match?  What are we, Protestant?  Remember to always resort to the smart tactic of  bringing up the fact that other family members are allowed to bring their significant others home. Look at your siblings partners? Redneck deadbeat idiots who breath threw their mouth!   Threats and arguments will get those involved on the defensive, so make sure your attack plan is powerful, merciless, quick and cruel.

Allow time for you, your partner and family to get comfortable.

It may take time for your slag and your family to get comfortable with one another. Be yourself and act naturally. Understand that this may be new to your family and your partner. Try to break down the walls by sharing family stories and bringing your partner into conversations.  Then after, those long 10 minutes has passed – go in for the kill.  Switch strategies and target the weakest family members. Break them down emotionally and they will have no other choice to accept your new lover.

Remember, your partner may feel isolated and afraid.

Which is exactly how you have felt in this cold, emotionally distant, unloving family.

He has to experience this pain and homophobia on his own, with no help from you.  Encourage him to sit in silence with your family while you go drop by an old friend’s house to catch-up. You know your family and can anticipate their behavior and reactions; your partner doesn’t – he needs to go through this trial-by-fire to hate them as much as you need him too….. Don’t worry if your partner is planning an escape route or has last minute jitters…Talk him through it and assure him that his comfort is important to you, then throw him to the wolves while you have a beer with your old circle-jerk buddy.

If things don’t go well, force the situation.

Scream. Loudly.

If things do go well, thank your loved ones for their acceptance.

Also ask if you can borrow some money, and remind them that their is no God.

Here come the holidays!  In just a few days, Americans will begin a long string of celebrations.  We start off with the day we celebrate football, turkey, imperialism, and serious alcohol intake due to overwhelming influence from negative family members. Hello Thanksgiving!

To help you this week, when you are either traveling home to some bumble-fuck town you grew up in, or forced to spend way to much time with hillbilly relatives, our friends at GayLive Network are offering all my dear readers an incredible  Thanksgiving special.  It’s their way of making sure you get really STUFFED on Turkey Day…

It starts TODAY, Tuesday 11/23 .   There are really two offers, one for new members that start now and a variety of different offers for existing members that begin on Thanksgiving.  It’s like a sexual buffet! I am going to focus on you newbies – I’m a big fan of fresh meat – so here is what you GLN virgins are going to get with your cranberry.

·         New Member Offer Only –
o   Talk all you want for 3 Days for just $4.99, THE LOWEST PRICE EVER!
o   Offer begins 11/23 and expires at 11:59PM Eastern on 11/30.
o   New Members Only (MUST BE FRESH!)
o   One Time Only.

$4.99? Can you believe that? It’s cheaper then a slice of pumpkin pie…And Lord knows GayLive slices are way more calorie-free then what your Granny is cooking up!  Doesn’t that just sound delicious? 

Now, for those of you who have already sampled some white and dark meat, as I said – there is an offer for you GLN veterans.

·         Existing Member Offer –
o   Starting on  Thanksgiving, a special deal for existing customers too!
o   Contact Customer Service or Use The Automated Purchase System over the phone to get details
o   Limited Time Offer!  Hurry, hurry, hurry! Quick, quick, quick!

What an incredible deal!  GayLive Network is going to make it so easy for you to find a new friend to play Pilgrims and Indians with……Let the holiday action begin!

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I totally snotted up my soda when this image strolled across my screen this AM.

So here, for your consideration, is the K’mando Strapless Pouch!  Perfect for any young whore’s holiday!  I’m still swooning a bit, so I’ll just cut’n paste from the site and let them describe this cock-sock.

The world’s first truly anatomical underwear engineered for men! This new K’mando Strapless Pouch is self-supporting and anatomically designed to fit your masculine anatomy perfectly. Wear it under your gym clothes or jeans, K’mando’s cushioned design lifts to enhances your appearance and feels like you’re not wearing anything at all.

- Adjustable snap closure for easy fit and access.
- Padded under-collar to maintain a forward uplifting position.
- Patented seamless front that Protects, without discomfort, and won’t show through clothes.
- Three separate compartments to hold all your parts gently in place.

Talk about stocking stuffer!

And according to the site…ONE SIZE FITS MOST!  MOST!  Not everyone!  But MOST!  Extra big and extra small weenies have to find another alternative.

I seriously just yanked my VISA GOLD out of my wallet and dropped some serious dough on a huge shipment of these. I’m going to use these as stocking stuffers (“Don’t you love it Grandpa?”) and possibly as decorations for my dungeon’s Christmas tree!  Then, these little bad boys are going to take up exactly ZERO room in my carry-on when I hit the beaches in Miami during my Holiday break!  Woooo-hooo!



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Former drag queen, demolition man, and undead destroy, Wesley Snipes, was ordered on Friday to start serving a three-year prison sentence for a felony tax conviction after a Florida judge rejected his bid for a new trial. Bad news for Blade, but good news for vampires! The Daywalker is going to jail!

“The Defendant Snipes had a fair trial … The time has come for the judgment to be enforced,” U.S. District Judge Terrell Hodges said in his ruling. He then asked Snipes AKA Noxema Jones to do that amazing catwalk sequence from the end of To Wong Fu…Snipes declined.

Hodges ordered the star of the “Blade” trilogy to report to prison as directed by the U.S. Marshal’s Service, but it was not immediately clear when or where Snipes would begin serving his time. Snipes had already lost an appeal of the sentence stemming from his conviction in 2008 on three misdemeanor tax charges for failing to file income tax returns for 1999 through 2001. In seeking a new trial, Snipes’ lawyer argued that jurors in the original trial were biased and that the prosecution’s star witness had his own criminal problems.

At his sentencing in April 2008, prosecutors said Snipes had earned more than $38 million since 1999 but had filed no tax returns nor paid any taxes.  That is a lot of cash!  Did you forget Wesley? What the what?