Are you going home for Thanksgiving? Trucking down the turnpike to see the family? Traveling home to see kin and cousins can be a lovely time.
However, once you’re in a relationship, family holidays can be totally different. Now, you’re faced with the decision whether to travel home alone or take your piece trick meat bottom partner or boyfriend. And when you do meet that special someone, or are simply the pig-bottom slave in domination-style relationship, you know you gotta take that boy home to Mom.
So let Uncle Dick help you with this sticky situation. I’ve taken so many boys home to my ‘rents, they don’t even bat an eye anymore. Last year for Thanksgiving, I brought home two boyfriends, a drag queen, and a go-go dancer I had met the night before!
Follow these tips, and you and your significant-other will have a dandy time on Turkey Day.
Be sure your partner is ready to meet your family.
Are they dressed right? Nothing too gay. Also, nothing too straight. You don’t want your slut sister or cougar aunt trying to ride their crotch during the football game. Also, queens need to know the background drama. Give him the scoop on all the closet-cases, drug addicts, alcoholics, delusionals, wackjobs, and thieves in your family. If you have a smart boyfriend – explain to them any important trigger words to activate your parents emotions. Review and research.
Give your family advanced warning.
I usually call from the airport. Give them enough time to clean-up the carport, and put on some decent looking clothing. But, shock and surprise are the best way to keep them on the edge. No more then 1 hour warning. If this upsets them, begin to scream and cry utterly uncontrollably about how they don’t accept you. If you have a younger brother, fill him in a bit earlier to make sure he has enough weed for all three of you. He’ll gladly keep the secret, just to see your parents loose it.
Use your boyfriend to make a statement or prove a point.
Remind Daddy that if he had loved you more, you wouldn’t be deep-throating some bearded busboy from Brooklyn. Did the fact that your parents refused to buy you a car drive you into the arms of a man? Explain, elaborate, insinuate, infer, imply. If you’re not out to your family and plan on coming out during your trip home, all the BETTER! Nothing says “I am gay and you WILL accept this…” Like some hot tongue action over dinner. Your sexuality IS a huge adjustment for your family – one you should force-feed them in the most painful and selfish way possible. Also, insist on sharing a room.
If your out, and your parents aren’t totally in love with the Gays…Then really sell it. Lisp, flame-out, some light drag, and rainbow rainbow sparkle rainbow sparkle.
Threatening the family that you will bring him home regardless of their feeling is always the best method. Who wants a Thanksgiving without a screaming match? What are we, Protestant? Remember to always resort to the smart tactic of bringing up the fact that other family members are allowed to bring their significant others home. Look at your siblings partners? Redneck deadbeat idiots who breath threw their mouth! Threats and arguments will get those involved on the defensive, so make sure your attack plan is powerful, merciless, quick and cruel.
Allow time for you, your partner and family to get comfortable.
It may take time for your slag and your family to get comfortable with one another. Be yourself and act naturally. Understand that this may be new to your family and your partner. Try to break down the walls by sharing family stories and bringing your partner into conversations. Then after, those long 10 minutes has passed – go in for the kill. Switch strategies and target the weakest family members. Break them down emotionally and they will have no other choice to accept your new lover.
Remember, your partner may feel isolated and afraid.
Which is exactly how you have felt in this cold, emotionally distant, unloving family.
He has to experience this pain and homophobia on his own, with no help from you. Encourage him to sit in silence with your family while you go drop by an old friend’s house to catch-up. You know your family and can anticipate their behavior and reactions; your partner doesn’t – he needs to go through this trial-by-fire to hate them as much as you need him too….. Don’t worry if your partner is planning an escape route or has last minute jitters…Talk him through it and assure him that his comfort is important to you, then throw him to the wolves while you have a beer with your old circle-jerk buddy.
If things don’t go well, force the situation.
If things do go well, thank your loved ones for their acceptance.
Also ask if you can borrow some money, and remind them that their is no God.