Loud and Queer

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No matter what you do….No matter how much you botox or moisturize….No matter how many pillates classes you go to…You are going to get OLD. It is a fact of life.

So eventually, you will be joining the AARP, the American Association of Retired Persons.  The AARP is a gaggle of oldsters who not only make sure their are senior discounts out their for you to enjoy in your  golden years, but they are also a powerful lobbyists organization defending the rights of citizens at the age of 50 and over.  They fight vigorously right now to maintain certain benefits, such as Social Security and Medicare, and to ensure we just don’t throw out Grandma and Grandpa in the trash when they become useless to us…

But besides all that fun, the AARP is becoming more queer-friendly these days as they develop and expand their mission statement to be all-inclusive and diverse.  ‘Cause, I can tell you from personal experiences – their are plenty of Silver Foxes out their in the US!  In the July/August issue of their bi-monthly magazine, AARP: The Magazine,  they did a special report: “AIDS at 30.”  Written by journalist Michael Anft, the article is a poignant and in-depth look at the past three decades after the emergence of HIV/AIDS, and discuss how the disease has a new face with people over 50.

“By 1983, when scientists isolated the human immunodeficiency virus (HIV) as the cause, 1,300 Americans had died-most of them under 30,” writes Andt.

Thirty years on, though, AIDS is increasingly a disease of older people, who made up the fastest-growing segment of the HIV-positive population,” he continues, “Of the estimated 1.1 million Americans with HIV, some 407,000 are over 50; by 2007, half of the total HIV-positive population will be over 50.”

I am not an agist.  Is that the word?  Why doesn’t spell check recognize it.  I love old people!  I have had some of the best blowjobs of my young, young, VERY YOUNG life – from people with no teeth.  So, I salute the AARP for finally reaching out and embracing the Seniors who are not straight! Hooray!

When do you think the first Senior Circuit Party will be?

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DC Comics has been around for eons. The home to Batman, Superman, and (my favorite) Wonder Woman, has been coughing up comics since the Great Depression!

The publisher is in the news as of late since their announcement that they will be  rebooting/restarting  its entire line of comic books! It’s a total game changer, as they will cancel all their comics in August, and restart with all-new #1 issues in September. Not only would iconic characters such as Superman and Wonder Woman restart with a fresh number, but costumes and origins for the entire menagrie of characters would be updated for the new millenium as well.

But…Who cares? Well, besides me and other gay comic book geeks. Well, YOU should care you jerk-face.  DC is also gonna trot out some fun and diverse   LGBTQ characters in their own titles! Here come the gays! Hooray!

First up, super-couple Apollo and Midnighter (left) have been incorporated into the company’s main cast of characters!  This hunky duo will be holding down the fort with StormWatch – which will also feature DC’s greenest goodie: The Martian Manhunter!

Getting her very own series, lipstick lesbian Batwoman!  This series is one of the MOST anticipated comics of the last decade – thanks to breathtaking art and incredible writing.

Also there are plans to feature The Question, another power-dyke in this series as well as others.  Not only is this mysterious vigilante a lesbian, but she is also a latina!

Starring in her own mini-series is the bisexual African-American superhero Voodoo! She’s sexy, sultry, and half-alien! Watch out for those claws!

Also, good news for the gays – in this NEW universe – you still have a chance with Superman! He’ll be unmarried, and more “alienated” -  just like YOU!  And of course, Batman will still be throwing you “Boy Wonders” faster then you can say “Batcave!”

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Who is this you ask?

It’s Jonah Hill.

You have no idea, do you…

This is the dude from SuperBad!  And the dude from The 40-Year-Old Virgin?  YES! YES the FAT GUY!

Look at the weight this bitch lost! i mean talk about slimmed down! He’s 1/8th of the dude he was! SuperSlim!

This pic is from recently when Jonah appeared at ESPN’s ESPY awards. Check him out sporting a much slimmer physique! The star claims he lost 40 pounds, but I’d guess even MORE then that… This is a total deletion! What has she been doing? Crack and Nutri-System ?  He looks kind of spooky though, doesn’t he?  Hot, but spooky?

I had a brief chubbing-chasing phase when I was in my mid-twenties. (Just last week, in fact…) I dated – or slept with – several hefty and beefy boys.  One of them, Mike, later lost a TON of weight.  But he looked completely different…Like in the face. It was like the weight had re-purposed his face.   Like, maybe all that goo created weird creases and wrinkles in his bones!

But, my psychologist wants me to refrain from being so negative.  (So terribly hard for me, to be honest.) Let’s all give a big (but svelte) hand to Jonah!  Hooray Mr. Skinny!  You look fantastic!

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Mayor Michael Bloomberg (New York, New York) sent super-special thank-you donations to the four state Senate Republicans who voted in favor of gay marriage last month.

Bloomberg was not shy in his commitment to supporting the homosexuals.  He had made no secret he’d be willing to back Republicans who stuck their necks out and sided with the majority of Democrats to support same-sex nuptials.

He sent $10,300 smackers to EACH Senator!  This is the maximum contribution allowed – to Sens. Mark Grisanti (R-Buffalo), Roy McDonald (R-Saratoga), Stephen Saland (R-Poughkeepsie) and James Alesi (R-Rochester).

“The mayor said he would support Senate Republicans who stood up – and he did,” said Micah Lasher, a top Bloomberg drone.

News of the donations surfaced yesterday when Grisanti became the first of the four to file his July financial disclosure statement with the Board of Elections.  Bloomberg, who traveled twice to the Capitol to lobby for gay weddings, was listed as having made his donation on July 8 – two weeks after the historic vote.

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I love the south.  I love the deep deep south.  I love getting into the south as deep as possible.

I also love the Real Housewives of Atlanta.  It’s really my favorite.  I am also a huge fan of Coca-Cola, CNN, and the Braves.

But, I hate homophobia.  And I hate when evil bitches come into our gay community and threaten us with violence and stupidity.  Which, takes us to Hotlanta and some serious nastiness…

Customers and an owner of a midtown Atlanta gay bar are speaking-out after six  police officers were fired for their involvement in a botched raid two years ago. A city investigation detailed how 16 officers lied or destroyed evidence in the case!

Two years after the botched raid, the Atlanta Eagle is still open, but struggling.  After a devastating and hateful raid, sure – their was a lawsuit…But the owners of the bar didn’t get any part of the $1 million federal verdict against the Atlanta Police Department.

One owner says he’s glad the city finally fired some of those involved, but wonders why others are still on the force.

“I feel like I’ve been punished for doing absolutely nothing wrong while these people are getting a little letter stuck in their file saying everything is OK,” bar co-owner Robert Kelley said.

Kelley said he’s lost his house and credit in the two years since police raided the Eagle, ordering everyone to the floor and using anti-gay slurs.

Friday, the Atlanta PD fired six officers for lying about what happened that night and suspended five others for their part in a cover-up.  But to Kelley’s dismay, four officers were given only written reprimands.

“These people deserved at least a week off in suspension, not just a little piece of paper in their file saying ‘Don’t do it again.’ Because if that’s all they get, they are just going to do it again,” Kelley said. Amen! I say give them a spanking! I really hard spanking. Not the light kind or the sexy kind, but a hard spanking.

“I’m not sure it’s enough, but I’m cautiously optimistic,” customer John Curran said. Curran and other customers won a $1 million federal lawsuit, but he still worries about what’s to come. I worry what they did with the $1 million. Seriously! That is a lot of shots.

“They do this to one group, what’s stopping them from doing it to another? It’s just going to take some time to rebuild the trust with everybody I think,” customer Geoff Calhoun said.

Kelley pushed his point home, “I think it was important that the officers that were fired should have been fired. I think they stopped short on a message.”

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Ann Curry, ]who replaced Meredith Vieira as the co-anchor of NBC’s “Today” show, and Don Lemon, prime-time weekend anchor for CNN and big homo (we covered this recently), will be keynote speakers at the National Lesbian & Gay Journalists Association convention in Philadelphia this August 25-28. If I wasn’t going to be in Provincetown, I’d be half tempted to go!  I love Philly! Marvelous cheesesteaks.

Founded in 1990, the NLGJA is a group of reporters, anchors, journalists, bloggers, media whores, and students who promote “fare and accurate coverage” of LGBTQ issues. They are all also big queers!  Most of them! Seriously.  I mean, 9 out of 10 bloggers are anyway.  Even sports bloggers.

“We are very pleased that both of these exceptional journalists will be sharing their experiences to help NLGJA work towards fairness, accuracy and diversity in news coverage,” said NLGJA National President David Steinberg.

Curry, formerly news anchor for “Today” for 14 years, was named in May as Matt Lauer’s co-anchor.  Curry is married…TO A MAN…So I have no idea why she is speaking at the Gayville Times conference.  She is not gay.  Perhaps they couldn’t get Rachel Maddow.  Maybe they don’t like lesbians!

Lemon, based in Hot-lanta, joined CNN in 2006 after stints at Chicago’s NBC 5 and NBC News in New York. In May, he drew national headlines after coming out to The New York Times prior to the publication of his memoir, “Transparent“.

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Finally, proof that the saying “size matters’, is a total crock of crap! CRAP!

Proving that even the smallest of beasts can make a big noise, check out this interesting science factoid:  While the minuscule water boatman bug (to the right) might be smaller than a drawing pin, but it’s also the loudest animal on the planet. (Well, relative to its body size, at least. My Aunt Gladys is ACTUALLY the loudest animal on the planet. Trust!)

The male  water boatman, aka Micronecta scholtzi, can create mating calls as loud as 99.2 decibels! This is the equivalent of sitting in the front row of a Def Leopard concert, or sitting on Roseanne Barr’s stomach during feeding time.

“Remarkably,” said Stratchclyde University’s James Windmill in a press release, “even though 99 percent of sound is lost when transferring from water to air, the song is so loud that a person walking along the bank can actually hear these tiny creatures singing from the bottom of the river.”

But here is the JUICIEST part of this… To make this colossal acoustic din, the male water boatman rubs his penis against the ridged surface of his abdomen, like a wooden spoon against a washboard! He’s basically jerking-off! Seems that size doesn’t matter for this little guy, though, since his wing-wang measures about 50 micrometers across — roughly the width of a human hair!  That is TINY! I have been with some less-then-endowed gentleman in my long whorish history – but this is kind of ridiculous!

The act of rubbing two body parts together to make a noise is called stridulation, (NOT grinding, or scissoring, as you might have thought) and is seen in insects from grasshoppers to spiders. The only known mammal to stridulate is the streaked tenrec, a spiky hedgehog-like critter from Madagascar that rubs its quills together. Although, I am pretty sure many lesbians have tried.  MANY have tried!

Windmill and his team looked at lots of marine and terrestrial creatures and measured their different auditory outbursts in “acoustic pressure” to find out how loud animals are in relation to their body size.

While an African elephant’s rumbling call can be 117 decibels, if the trunked beast was reduced to the size of a water boatman, the marine insect would far outclass it. As would, it turns out, a snapping shrimp, a speckled bush cricket, a bronze dainty frog, an alligator and a human.